EDICT FORTY:
"Advisors and Background Music"

I know what you're DREADING. That once you've RAISED ME UP like PETER WELLER with a JET PACK, I'll deliver long, tedious, BUCKAROO-BANZAI-STYLE speeches from the IVORY THRONE OF JUSTICE. Not likely!

Oh, OK, likely. Damn probable, in fact. BUT I intend to CLONE the members of ROCKAPELLA using an ADVANCED AGING PROCESS so that they can BACK ME UP with some WACKY CARMEN-SANDIEGO-ERA SPONTANEITY! So when I say "I SHALL CRUSH BOLIVIA" they can sort of riff on it a capella, like this:
"Bolivia, Bo-bo-livia,
Bo Knows Livia
Livia knows Bo
But don't touch Livia's
Salad Bowl!
BOOO-LIII-VIIII-AAAA!"

Or, you know, something like that. Rest assured that I shall DESTROY all those who are FOOLISH ENOUGH to OPPOSE ME, but shall do it in GLORIOUS FOUR-PART HARMONY.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

EDICT THIRTY-NINE:
"Legendary Lands"

If I'm going to DEIGN to ELEVATE YOU SCUM from your current SEWER-BELLIED GROVELING to the status of DEITIES BEFITTING MY VALUABLE TIME, I'm going to need a SEAT OF POWER that reflects my STATUS.

I'm a MODEST man, so MOON BASE ALPHA can be put off for a few years. The SPACE PLATFORM can similarly be DELAYED while you all ADJUST to the RAPID GROWTH OF YOUR BRAINS SUCH THAT YOUR CRANIUMS SPLIT, CAUSING MASSIVE HEADACHES. But is it too much to ask for ATLANTIS? Let's FIND the LOST CONTINENT and LIFT 'ER BACK UP! I can't believe you people haven't found it yet, by the way. Have you even been LOOKING?

IT'S ON THE THIRD SHELF BEHIND THE BOTTLES OF GINGER BEER!

No wait, that's the dijon. NEVER MIND.

Order of business, then: 1. FIND ATLANTIS, 2. RAISE ATLANTIS, 3. CLEAN IT UP so I can LIVE IN IT. Oh, and crush the globe under my heel. Shan't forget that.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

EDICT THIRTY-EIGHT:
"Bigger Wangs for All"

Sorry if I seem OUT OF SORTS today, but I've been approached about having my PENIS LENGTHENED about SIXTEEN times in the last twenty-four hours via E-MAIL. This has been going on for YEARS, and I'm beginning to suspect there might be something WRONG WITH MY WANG.

Once I have BROADBAND ACCESS to the HEARTS AND MINDS OF ALL and you're still DIALUP, two things will happen. First of all, there will be NO DISCUSSION OF MY WANG. Got it? NO WANG TALK. Second, everyone who has EVER SPAMMED ON THE INTERNET will be forced to LIVE UP to all their promises, RETROACTIVELY and for FREE. That means EVERYONE'S gonna get UNIVERSITY DEGREES, BIGGER BREASTS, A HUGER WANG, FREE PORN, $10K WORKING FROM HOME, LOW INTEREST RATES, and AMAZING FREE SOFTWARE without paying a RED CENT for the REST OF TIME. How will the spammers AFFORD TO DO THIS? Well, there's a real DEMAND for ORGANS on the FREE MARKET these days, and some of them must have some PRETTY BIG FAMILIES. Tally ho! THE WANG WILL WAG THE DOG!

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

EDICT THIRTY-SEVEN:
"Linguistic Excellence"

Get ready, because when I'm KICKIN' IT OLD SCHOOL and you're all just a bunch of WACK MCs, there'll be THREE LANGUAGES for EVERYONE ON EARTH.
1. Your mother tongue,
2. ESPERANTO, and
3. That WEIRD PROTO-GERMAN that American actors speak in OLD WORLD WAR TWO MOVIES when they're playing the NAZI BAD GUYS.
German'll still be cool, of course, and celebrated as the wonderful language it is, but THE ENTIRE PLANET must learn the all-purpose phrases "DANKE SHÖEN," "GOTT UND HIMMELL!" and "DIE, AMERIKANER SHVINEHUNDT!"
Panicked? Worried? Short of breath? SWEAT NOT, LITTLE MAN. You can learn PROTO-GERMAN and HAVE FUN at the same time by picking up an old DOS copy of WOLFENSTEIN 3-D! It also features choice .WAV files like "HUT DANNE!" "DRUFUFFEL!" "MEIN LEIBEN!" "GÜTENTAAG!" and "FREON!" I don't know what ANY OF THOSE MEAN, except for maybe "GÜTENTAAG." Which means "HI THERE" or "SORRY ABOUT SHOOTING YOU IN THE FACE AND ALL, BUT IT'S A JOB." I'm not sure which. The rest are PHOENETIC PRONUNCIATIONS of WHATEVER THE HELL those little BROWN and BLUE and WHITE guys are saying, to say nothing of HITLER IN HIS BIG ROBOT SUIT. Hitler was evil and all, but that BIG ROBOT SUIT kicked ASS.

Why didn't they ever tell us about the BIG ROBOT SUIT in high school? Probably the same reason they never told us about the ZOMBIES. School SUCKS.

"DIE, AMERIKANER SHVINEHUNDT!"

ICH SHALL ORDNE THIS PLANETEN.